I am coming undone, having arrived at a big process of an ego-death. I’ve been there before, dying to the old parts of myself in Yoga, dissolving facets of my psyche in plant medicine, being blasted into Akasha and hanging by the threads of awareness. I have experienced ceasing to exist in the realms of my consciousness and found myself able to let go and unbecome, sensing a promise of a refuge in these cosmic realms. But for the first time in my life, I am facing this as an embodied every-day-life experience and a natural progression of this stage of my journey.
The Marta as I know myself to be, the identity by which I have lived and moved through life over the years will soon be no more. As my body gives way to a process beyond my control, as “I” shape shift and adapt to all the newness, so does my psyche. I’ve been in a deep dark hole of resistance for a few weeks, one that made me angry and reactive to literally anything. It all shifted once I realized, a subconscious part of me is scared to die, she’s scared of ceasing to exist, knowing very well that it is the ultimate outcome.
There is a call to absolute surrender both in pregnancy and motherhood, moving out the way to serve the ultimate act of creation. Every day it is more and more visceral that I am a vessel, playing a witness to myself unbecoming, so that I can give way to the new one emerging in the process.
It is incredibly beautiful and also truly intense. To know that everything that I know myself to be, all the identities, likes and dislikes, preferences, carefully curated beliefs will soon no longer be valid. Many of them have expired already in these last few months. Suddenly, having made peace with my own resistance, I found myself able to flow again. Inhale and exhale. Expand and contract, only to expand again.
May no place in me hold itself closed as I am brought into the vastness of my being. ❤️
